insomniac behavior

Cursed and conditioned

from the earliest times I can remember
this erratic behavior
insomniac for years
staying up into the latest hours
where there is morning when I sleep
purple eyes hang low
hunger is in the pit of my stomach
I dont eat even if I'm able to
forget the time and place
get lost in the days,
i don't have to remember what day of the week it is,
pry open my eyes
when i wake up mid afternoon,
dont need an alarm clock
i'm stuck like bubble gum on the bottom of your shoe.
told i'm no good. intolerable.
Stemming from my days in the womb.
Always need to move around
somehow find stability.
I have the need to travel constantly,
live on airplanes.
I have the worst sleeping patterns.
Insomniac for years, ask my mother.
I would sleep every day through the sunshine,
nothing mattered.
Even now, as I have you.
Only difference between now and then is that I miss the sunrays now.
I miss glowing dark brown skin in the light,
with blue skies that I forget exist sometimes.
I can't change habits from one day to the next.
My body could fall apart any day now.
Glass figure that is delicate and transparent,
a cloudy opaque glass figure,
the bones of my spine are visible.
Only difference between now and then is that I feel hunger around you.
I could go days without eating until you came along.
Now my stomach turns,
howling and whistling for edibles.
Exanorexic
scared of my insides, the functioning of those functions
the systems that create a body
blood and organs that are human.
This is some way of control.
Always, there is a need to control something in my life.
Feeling empty, needing to feel that hallowness
The house is filled up with too much woe
violent hands find me, shake me loose, won't let go
suffocate me and now, my lover,
i will suffocate you if you let me.
It is the only love I know.
My mother likes to hold me close, tight
I can't breathe, quite literally.
No, it wasn't always like this.
Let's go back to the start, press play on the VHS
watch the times replay on the screen.
Some time before a great depression,
if there could be such a time,
i don't remember it.
Somewhere after we all went crazy.
So I went hungry.
and I starved for the music,
and the words,
and the art in the walls, carved into the ceiling.
So I carved the words along wrists and thighs,
if you pay close attention to my untouchable skin
you can see scars (I heal so well, they are barely visible)
So I did drugs to warp reality and fantasy together
so I did lots of drugs to warp the feelings and the isolation
so I did everything under the moon,
I am locked in this escapism.
Honestly, salvation is hard to come by in this state.
I've been clinically depressed for years and years, my dear.
Even though you love me,

it takes a lot more than just love to clean up my mess.